We're pretty sure that if you ask your local tattoo artist, they have some really weird stories to offer you. These terribly tiny tales are hilariously inappropriate on multiple levels!
People are weird. It's a fact that has been accounted for over the centuries that we've been on this planet. No matter what the decade, there has been some recorded history of man's idiocy. There are givers, and then there are the takers. You can be as cautious about it, but you're bound to meet someone who is going to make you wonder if God was playing a cruel joke on mankind's intelligence.
Tattoo artists have, by default, been at the receiving end of the stupid charade. We're pretty sure that if you ask your local tattoo artist, they have some really weird stories to offer you. It's a wonder that they didn't tattoo "I'm with stupid" on these people. Here are some of the craziest things that tattoo artists have ever witnessed.
Not me, but my boss. He had a guy come in who wants his whole d*ck and balls transformed in a dragon. Boss agrees to do it for a ridiculous price, like a thousand dollars for what would take three hours or so. Ends up tattooing him in the private room at our shop, but of course everyone in the shop is DYING to know how he accomplished it. Basically, when you're tattooing, one hand is running the machine with the needle and the other is stretching the skin tight, but like... how do you stretch dick skin? Did he have the guy get a boner or what?
Turns out he had the guy stretch it out himself. Like he spent three hours yanking his d*ck first one way, then the other, so my boss could tattoo the whole damn thing, then bat-winging out his nuts. His original thought was for the guy to have a hard-on, but he couldn't keep it going while it was getting jabbed with a needle (obviously).
Now our shop refuses genital tattoos and that's why.
"I had a client contact me through my Facebook page and he booked online. He wanted a goddess of fire with the face of Alanis Morissette. When he came in for his appointment, he was generally creepy. He was in his 60s and asking me about getting together with my 25-year-old co-worker. He wanted the tattoo on the side of his thigh. He then expressed that it wasn't just going on his thigh, but also on the side of the ass/hip region.
During the session, there was a mild bumhole smell the whole time. He asked me how much I would charge to touch up the tattoo on his penis. I told him $1500."
"A man who threatened me with physical violence because I wouldn't change his piercing jewelry. I'm not a piercer. I don't do that. But he was angry about that and wouldn't leave and I was actually afraid. That was probably the worst."
I was working on the top floor of the tattoo studio, tattooing a bloke early one Saturday morning. He goes pale and says he needs to pee quickly [so I] point him in the direction of the bathroom.
Ten minutes later I get worried he has passed out on the toilet (it happens), go to walk down the stairs. I notice a super gross stench, look down at the stairs and see tiny little piles of diarrhea on each step.
Guy has sh*t himself on the way to the toilet and run away, never saw him or his money again!
Thank god for apprentices.
The worst are the ones who need to make sure everyone in the shop is looking at them. They scream and moan. And every time when I'm done they say they did well. No, no you didn't. Lol
From my friend's tattoo artist: "A couple comes in, sober as a judge. They have been dating two, maybe four weeks and they want each other's names tattooed... on their anuses. A ring around their anuses with the other person's name. The girl's thing won't stop twitching while I'm doing it, I don't know what to do. Guy says 'Put your thumb in there, that's what I always do.'
God help me, I did. $500 for ten minutes' work."
My artist told me about the woman who could only be described as "the screamer." Screamed during the entire tattoo. Didn't want to stop, just wanted to scream. How the cops weren't called is amazing.
Not the worst but I had a couple come in, the girl had just turned 18 and the guy looked like he was in his late 30s. She said that he was going to pick whatever he wanted for her to get tattooed on her. He chose to have his name and then "owns me" written across her lower stomach. Nowadays I'd turn that sh*t down but this was when I'd first started tattooing. I was working in a real scumbag shop where my boss was just a massive money grabber, so I didn't really have much of a choice but to do it.
So she's getting the tattoo done, all the while he's saying about how they're coming back the next day for him to get her nickname on his neck: "Princess Bubby." He keeps going out on the phone, and when he comes back she was going "I know you're talking to other girls, don't lie to me" and he's just laughing in the most cocksure way. Towards the end she looks at him with big puppy dog eyes and goes "I love you" and he just replied, "I know."
Safe to say he never came back for Princess Bubby.
Guy and girl come into his shop and ask to get a tattoo on [her] back. A couple of minutes into it the lady starts squirming. The artist asks her to sit still. A couple more minutes later she starts squirming again.
He says, "If you don't sit still I can't finish the tattoo." She says, "It really hurts, but there's something that might help." Artist says, "Do whatever you need. Just sit still." So, she manages to stop squirming, and it's a while before the artist notices her head is bobbing. He looks up from the tattoo and [she] has her boyfriend's d*ck in her mouth. He finishes up the tattoo, they pay and leave.
A week later the artist is at a pool hall, and he recognizes the guy. They make small talk, and he asks, "How's your girlfriend's tattoo healing?" The guy says, "Girlfriend? That was the first day I met [her]. I haven't talked to her since."
I absolutely hate it when clients bring friends or partners who silently judge or interfere with the design or tattoo that I'm working on. One such acquaintance only spoke by whispering in the ear of my client with the changes they wanted me to make. Over and over until they had reduced a palm-sized tattoo to the size of a quarter. I had to redraw every time to make it a design that worked at a smaller size. I worked with the client to make the new design that they were excited about... until they showed it to their partner...
And then there was the hour-and-a-half of trying to place this dot of a design on their body... I almost cried at the end of that day.
I wouldn't allow this kind of thing now, but at that moment I was less practiced with wrangling clients and financially motivated to get through that hellscape of a design process.